Terminus of Teufort, Mission to Mobius
by Herpaderpster
Summary: One of those bad ideas that you get when you stay up too late. This was one of mine, and it's about Heavy and his buddies.
1. Intro, InFlight, Interuniversal Travel!

_The author's hands shook. Here he was, writing a story that he had dreamt up on a lazy afternoon's whim. He contemplated deleting it. He had promised himself to write more than the intro. He had also promised to scrap this project if it other thought it was a bad idea. He didn't know if any of his previously brainstormed ides would actually be incorporated into the progressing story, but he couldn't wait for a beta reader... His imagination's inconsistent ways simply would not allow it. He had to publish something before his drive and ideas ran dry once again. He ran over the Submit button and unsubtly transitioned the narrative into..._

**Terminus of Teufort, Mission to Mobius**

… _some kind of Team Fortress and Sonic the Hedgehog crossover fanfiction._

**Written by the ridiculous prose plugger, Herpaderpster.**

"Medic, I am leaving for trip now!", our favorite Heavy Weapons Guy shouted to his longtime friend, the Medic of his team of mercenaries, who he called... the Medic.

"Goodness gracious, Igor, we are not in a round right now. It is safe to call me Otto!" Medic appreciated that Heavy respected the things that he did for the team, but Heavy was slow to register what was going on around him at times, something that put Heavy at a disadvantage in combat, especially since he was the most prone on the team to an ambush. Medic brought his mind back to what Heavy had to say.

"Right, right. Helen finally granted you that extended vacation, yes?"

"Yes, docto- Otto! And even better, announcer lady says we have no matches coming up, so we can relax for long time!"

"Did she happen to say how long?"

"She say 'expect about 2 weeks, but if our setbacks last longer than that, I may just let you stupid, bloodthirsty oafs organize some scrims and lobbies on your own' when I was there."

"Really now?"

"Dah. Vorbis tom!"

"You mean verbatim..."

"Yes. Maybe. I cannot remember."

Medic breathed a sigh of relief. The two engineers, RED and BLU, had been working in tandem for quite a while now, trying to fix the respawn system that had been setting the timer hours longer than normal. This was just the relief that both teams needed. Perhaps he could even meet with the other Medic to share procedures and experiments. Medic knew that Heavy would normally leave with much more ruckus, so he humored Heavy on his blatant inquisitions.

"I know you are wanting something from me, Igor. Normally you are less subtle about your departures."

"Right, Otto! I want you to take care of Sasha while I leave. My cousin says he wants me not to cause much panic at place."

"This is the first time you have asked anyone to hold onto your minigun, Igor. You must have a lot of trust in me this time. Or another bullet in your skull..."

"No, I thought this one out much! Engineer has extra metal, so he built new sentry gun just for Sasha! And he also say something about repair node."

"Well, if you say so. You know how prone Engineer is to Spies."

"I made Spy promise not to touch her. With fists!"

With this, Heavy hoisted his beloved gun onto a cart for Medic to pull into storage. Heavy did, however, pack away a _Sandvich_ and shotgun.

"Even in civvies, always bring some backup power," Soldier always said. And enforced, for that matter. Heavy made the retroactive choice to run back and grab a _Buffalo Steak Sandvich_ and Soldier's recommended boxing gloves, the _Gloves of Running Urgently_. Soldier liked to say that pain was weakness leaving the body, and to never give up a fight. He also emphasized the ability to escape a losing battle, to Heavy's chagrin. He gave a final solemn glance at his gun, before he turned tail and shoved off in his dinky little Volkswagen.

"Have fun with Soldier! I hear he is working on pocket work, off roaming game!" That bit of gossip certainly helped Medic feel better for his safety, but without Heavy, life around the base was sure to be a bit more boring for the rest of the team. Everyone in Dustbowl knew that Heavy's world famous Sandvich recipes were the life of any party. Medic recalled how Heavy had always dreamed of opening up a Sandvich Shop after the bloodsport stopped paying well. Medic could do nothing but hope that Heavy would have fun meeting his family after such a long time.

* * *

"Mobius? I have never heard of place!" Heavy remarked, reading the simple letter his cousin had sent to his home. "It must be private area, or maybe city in other country!" As he got out of his car and headed for the shuttle to the airport, he began to daydream of just how exotic his destination might be.

As his bus approached the bench he was sitting on (and taking up much of the space of), Heavy stood up, dusted the breadcrumbs off of his suit, put away the remaining half of his Sandvich and prepared to head off to his flight.

"Well, pancakes, where you heading?" Heavy turned and grinned. It was the unmistakeable voice of his "buddy" on the enemy BLU team, Scout.

"Scout, you are leaving for trip too?"

"What else you think I'm here for, dumbass? Not like they'd let me kill you on off-hours."

"Where are you going to go, little war-criminal?"

"Tourin' some place called Mobius. I was lucky enough to be on the first flight!"

"Same place I am headed... you said first flight?"

"Ain't ya heard the news? Inter-universal test flight ring a bell?"

"I didn't know about destination until today. My cousin paid for trip."

"For a guy with a literary PhD, you sure ain't been reading the news lately." Heavy didn't bother reminding Scout that his PhD was in Russian literature. "Engineer and a team of people found the documents and blueprints of some Russian scientist. Right up your alley, huh? Anyways, they found a way to do 'inter-universal travel' and stuff, and the dude had coordinates for a place he called 'Mobius'. Today's the first trip open to anyone. Even then, it ain't really public. I think our team just got early access because of your Engineer."

"Scout."

"Yeah?"

"Who was scientist?"

"Some kind of robotics engineer. I don't remember stupid shit like that."

"Oh. I am going to see cousin in Mobius."

"Who knows, maybe he's the dude. You know, like in the movies?"

" Entire story sounds very suspicious and very specific."

Heavy made a mental note to never question his BLU rival's intellectual prowess again. Evidently the hyper child had been keeping up on the latest tech. After all, despite fighting for about half a century, he was still in exactly the same condition as he was when he was 21. An ethically dubious side effect of the mercenaries' respawn system.

"Scout, you bring backup weapon?"

"Your Soldier blabs about that too? Man, he made me pack my whole damn arsenal. I got away with leaving my pistol behind by grabbing a can of _BONK_ on my way out, but I dunno what there could possibly be that needs my gun at my side."

"You cannot be too prepared."

"You sound like my old scoutmaster."

The two decided to stick together for their trip.

"What's with the guns, you two? You want to cause trouble on first contact or something?"

"We work for TF Industries.", replied the Heavy. "Guns are all of what we have."

"Oh yeah, you're from the mercenary team we brought with us! Never mind, you two are off the hook; after all, we can't reasonably expect to fight off a potential attack with a spanner and scrap metal." quipped the mechanic they were being escorted with. Eventually the group arrived at a plane. It was obviously some sort of prototype, as the only paint seen on it was used to label it with letters and numbers. A few bits and pieces inside of the aircraft hooked up to other parts made it quite obvious that this was strictly experimental tech they were dealing with.

"This is boring. When do we get there?"

"Scout, we have not even sat down."

"Doesn't mean this isn't snooze-fest 2012, Heavy. I'm hungry. Do you think the place we're going to has chilidogs?"

"I don't know.."

"We should totally grab some chilidogs. Actually, we should go for tacos. How 'bout Pizza? That sound good to you? Wait, wait, you're a sandwich guy. I forgot." Heavy sat down and filtered out the incessant chatter that he was used to from the Scout. He waited for the trip to begin.

"Alrighty, fellas. You guys know how the drill works, and y'all should already be at your respective seats. I've heard about your plans, Igor, so just sit tight with 'lil tramp, don't cause no ruckus, and we'll handle anything you need."

"Hey! How come you're callin' him by his name, and not me?"

"Because you're on BLU, Stanley. We're not supposed to let on any signs of familiarity."

"That's a dumb rule the higher-ups pulled out their asses; 'sides, Announcer ain't even here."

"Shut up, Scout", Heavy muttered. "He said no ruckus." The three sat down in an aisle, and waited for the rest of the team to finish preparations. Heavy twiddled his thumbs, Scout kicked the chair in front of him, and Engineer frantically plugged some code into his computer.

"Hey, Hewlett! We're taking off, but the coordinates might be a little off. Just saying!" called the pilot.

"Just make sure we don't arrive at the base of a cliff or anything", Engineer shouted back. "We've gotten far enough with this to the point that our precise location doesn't matter anymore. My friends and I can get y'all to safety."

The plane took off. Engineer explained the procedure to Heavy and Scout. "We're gonna start the teleportation up in the clouds. That'll decrease interference and keep our profile low. Reading the radars and signals, we can expect to see a large, albeit genetically unfamiliar, civilization already up and running, but if we don't, well, we can set up a camp just fine."

"Will we meet friends if we see people there?", Heavy asked.

"If they aren't too suspicious of your bandolier, I'd say you'd be the first one they warm up to. For now, let's worry about making sure we get through to this new universe." With that, Engineer began to load up the code that would enable their travel to a new world. He and his fellow troopers could only imagine what they might find there.


	2. Mercenaries and Mobians

_The author quickly shuffled upstairs and leaned over his keyboard. It had been a long, boring day, and maybe now he would finally get a piece of the story in. He didn't know where he was going to take the plot. He hadn't thought this through very much. All he had planned to do was write. So he wrote._

_Author realized he was writing by the seat of his pants. Again.  
_

* * *

Heavy woke up to Scout punching his arm. He was sitting next to Scout and Engineer, with no sign of the plane or the scientists. Around him was a lush green field, with rolling hills that stretched for miles. Tall trees and giant flowers littered the landscape, and in the distance, Heavy thought he could see a naturally-formed loop in the distance. It was all surreal to him, and he quickly glanced at his friends, hoping for confirmation that all of this was real.

"I don't know how you do it, Igor. The flight was only ten minutes and you still managed to fall asleep before we landed." remarked Engineer. "Everything's turned out alright, so the research team's gone back home to gather more information and tools for investigation."

"When will team come back?"

"I don't know, Heavy. A few of them did want to stay home and monitor what happened to us. Understandably so, since we still don't know much about this universe."

"Then what will we do?"

"We look for some people, of course."

"I think people are coming to us now."

* * *

Sonic and Tails were approaching the crash site. Nobody knew who was flying the plane that had gone down in Emerald Hill Zone, and few of them were willing to chance meeting someone with malicious intent. Naturally, it fell to the dynamic duo to once again scratch the surface of the latest Mobian mystery.

"Who do you think was in the plane, Sonic?" asked Tails as they approached the site of the crash.

"Hopefully someone who isn't trying to take over the world," replied Sonic, already dreading the worst: yet another of Dr. Ivo Robotnik's schemes. Years of Robotnik's ceaseless assaults had conditioned the hedgehog to expect the doctor to be at the bottom of every scheme. "At least we're about to find out."

The two arrived at the totaled aircraft in time to find three humans scrambling away from them. They might as well have been standing still, as Sonic easily caught up with them and leapt toward the three not-so-intrepid adventurers. However, Sonic hadn't expected for Heavy to pluck him out of the air with a single swift motion.

"Look, Scout, hedgehog likes me already!" he exclaimed, holding a struggling Sonic high in one hand.

"I'm pretty sure that one was trying to kick your ass, moron."

"It wears shoes and looks harmless. It could not be trying to beat asses. Even sandvich and me could do more than small animal. We should keep this one. As pet."

Tails, seeing Sonic so easily subdued, panicked and approached Heavy, ready to fight.

"Hey, get your hands off my big brother before we kick your butt!" shouted Tails, making his move. Naturally, seeing a talking fox terrified Heavy, who dropped Sonic, ran in the other direction, and crawled behind the plane for cover. Engineer, however, took the situation in stride, trying his best to clear up the situation.

"Now hold up a moment, don't be expecting trouble from our friend over there. He might look big and mean, but he ain't gonna hurt you 'less you've hurt him first. He's harmless." Engineer put down his toolbox and moseyed over to Sonic's assistance. "Now, who might y'all two be?"

Sonic picked himself up off of the floor, and Tails scooted over to his side.

"Sorry for jumping you guys," began the hedgehog,"I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, fastest thing alive, and my lil' bro here is Tails. He can fix up anything, and can probably make it ten times better, too." said Sonic. "We saw the plane go down, and we wanted to make sure we weren't facing off with any bad guys. Who're you three?"

Engineer motioned for Heavy to come out from his cover, and began to introduce the team. "They call me the Engineer. I'm the one trusted with maintaining the tools and developing weapons. The one you met first is Heavy. He's the largest and strongest of our team, and he handles the heaviest firepower. He might seem dense, but he's smarter than you think; in fact, he's our top tactician for the time being. Our little runt here is Scout. He runs pretty darn fast. Ask him to do something, and it's likely he's already halfway done. Seems like Scout and I have a little in common with you two. We could certainly use some help, if you feel like lending a hand for the three of us."

Tails and Sonic glanced at each other, then at the three mercenaries. They nodded in agreement. "Sure, why not?"

Engineer and Scout sighed in relief: they had escaped conflict, and even found shelter for the night. Heavy poked his head out to ask one more question.

"How is it possible the hedgehog is brother to fox?"

* * *

Three hours of walking, due mostly to Engineer and Heavy's gear and slow speed, neared it's end. It was excruciating for Sonic, irritating for Scout, and peaceful for Heavy. Finally, the team reached a small house located near a forest.

"Well, this is it, we're here at my pad," Sonic said. " It's kind of small, but I'm sure we'll find space for you guys. Just let me unlock the door and... oh."

Sonic's house had been broken into before the team arrived there. The front door was smashed in, rocket shrapnel was embedded in ground, the and the windows were broken, with all the remaining shards pushed out. Scout knew exactly what had happened. The signs all pinted to a single suspect.

"Looks like ol' critrockets found a way into this world," Scout grumbled as he walked in front of the broken door and looked inside. A fistful of buckshot made it's way from an overturned table toward his face, but never made it's target. "You can stop shootin' now, Jane."

"**Get out**! I have confiscated this** household** for **my purposes**! None shall take it!"

"Dude, I'm here with the guy who owns this place."

"Well, tell him he's following my **agenda** now! **Merasmus** is throwing his **wizard tantrums** again!" Scout sighed and walked in, and set upright the table Soldier had bunkered down behind.

"How'd you get here, Jane? You weren't on the plane or nothing."

"I **jumped**."

"Bullshit, Soldier. Merasmus probably just threw you out for being annoying again."

"I'll have you know that my **rocket jumping** is unmatched! You wouldn't understand, because you **maggots** are too **fearful** to follow in my **explosive-ordinance propelled footsteps**!"

"Just shut up and put everything back, Soldier."

"Fine. But I really need a new **roommate**," Soldier mumbled, getting up and clearing the clutter. He turned to the door and yelled, "The four of you don't have to **hide**. I'm not going to **shoot** any of you maggots... **anymore**." Soldier chuckled as the rest of the posse shuffled in, perplexed by his observational skills. He knew his years of constant spychecking would pay off in more ways than one.

* * *

Sonic's living room now resembled a minefield of mattresses, as the mercenaries bedded down for the night. Heavy and Scout were still duking it out for the couch, while Engineer had chosen to lay down his mattress, place his teddy bear, Teddy Roosebelt, beside his pillow, and dose off. Soldier, however, had insisted on sleeping outside. No one could understand his incoherent, sleep-deprived rambling as he attempted to justify being out in the cold, but Heavy and Tails made out a few words, mostly involving "honor, glory, and strength". Heavy knew there was no arguing with Soldier, who would defend any point tirelessly, metaphorical or not; Heavy shut the door and allowed Soldier to act on his own reasoning. Heavy hunkered down and slept, but could not shake the feeling that Soldier would screw himself over with his illogical logic. No-one knew what went on in Soldier's mind. They could never figure out his plans and agendas, but so far they had all managed to work beautifully. The world was shut out from his imagination and memories. Even his name had been discarded, and replaced with the placeholder moniker of Jane Doe. Why he had chosen the one relegated to females and children, nobody cared to guess. Perhaps he reminisced of family. Perhaps he was wondering about his loved ones.

* * *

The next morning, the team scrambled to the table to find omelets on the table. Scout, impatient to begin a new day, had prepared breakfast for everyone. Thus, it was established that Scout was a top-notch chef, as insignificant this characteristic may be.

"Yo, Heavy, you think my cooking's gonna be a big plot point later? You know, like Checkhov's Gun?"

"No."

"You never know. It might turn the story around or something."

"Sandvich would probably be more useful than Scout's egg-sandwich."

"It's called an omelet, Heavy."

"Oh."

"Where's Jane? He always wakes up the earliest," Scout asked to no one in particular, "see, I told him sleeping outside wasn't gonna do him any good. What an idiot."

"Scout, Soldier is not asleep. He is gone." Heavy brought in Soldier's Rocket Launcher and his hat, proof that Soldier had not left willingly. None of the mercenaries would ever take their hat off on their own accord. "Someone has taken him."

The group stared at Soldier's belongings. He had already proven himself to be incredibly militaristic in nature, a resilient wall, and unmatched in detecting intruders. Whoever had kidnapped Soldier was evidently swift, silent, and considerably **strong**. Engineer saw two boot tracks dragged along the turf, and followed it down it's linear path. Where they abruptly stopped, there were footprints, scorch marks, disposed shotgun shells and gibs of robots, signs that Soldier had indeed put up a fight. Engineer picked up some of the scrap and showed them to Sonic and Tails. They were native to here, and would likely know more than him on any possible leads and suspects.

"Y'all happen to know of any robotics manufacturers in this vicinity?" Engineer muttered to the two animals.

Sonic recognized the insignia printed on the metal plates at a glance. "Yeah. And he's got it in for us," Sonic replied. Dr. Robotnik had struck again.


	3. The Hostile Hostage

_I'm gonna break this little author's narrative stuff I've been writing for the past two chapters and apologize for being off for two goddamn months. There was a long gap of waiting from starting this chapter and finishing it, so It's not very consistent. I hope you guys enjoy it, and I promise I'll pull my shit together next chapter. I'm outta here._

* * *

Soldier picked himself up from the floor. He was being held in a cramped cell, and was facing a fat, chubby man in red. His sheer ugliness would be enough to send Soldier into a flying rage, but this rotund researcher just had to be wearing red. Soldier was angry. Soldier was really angry. He grabbed the iron bars that kept him in. He executed his emergency hostage situation tirade. "**You**!" Soldier barked,"You will tell me **exactly **what you've done, where you've taken me, what your agenda is, where my **team** is, and most importantly, **what you've done with my hat**!" Soldier was so angry, he continued, elaborating on his mental script. "I may be the one behind bars, but you are the one with a **stupid face**! Mister Jane Doe will not **submit** to the whims of men with **stupid faces**! And you were too stupid to take my **shovel**!" Soldier brandished his _Market Gardener_ to emphasize his ridiculous rant. Dr. Robotnik stood unfazed. Soldier was clearly lunatic, and from Robotnik's experience, lunatics were always easily subdued.

"I've taken you hostage, Mr. Doe, it's as simple as that. I'm sure the plan should unfold quite predictably."

"What, are you going to bait the team into coming after me, setting up an ambush for the moment they arrive, in order to finally neutralize the only threat against your complete control over this world? Not a **chance**."

"Good, you're a tactician. You might not be as stupid as I thought," said Robotnik.

"Good, you **talk** to your hostages. You might not be as good of a **villain** as I thought," Soldier snarked back. He then wrenched the bars open with his shovel, and tried to leap for Robotnik's head. Without hesitation, several of Robotnik's automatons swooped in to restrain Soldier.

"I've thought of everything, Doe. Your friends, guns, and store-bought spades won't help you," Robotnik said with a chuckle as Soldier was carted away.

A few minutes later, Soldier was sitting in another cell, this one reinforced with thicker sheets of steel. "Damn," muttered Soldier to himself, "It looks like I'll have to learn to **bust sentries** without my **trusty rockets** after all." He sat in his cell and began to formulate another one of his infamous escape plans. Not even an author could begin to fathom what went on inside Soldier's mind, and thus his plan soon fell into the gaping abyss that was bad plot development.

* * *

Sonic sat down. Everyone else was already sitting down, so they slouched further into the couch. Soldier's kidnapping moved them all deeply for about four minutes, after which they resumed life as usual. Soldier wasn't a big issue for now. For the mercenaries, it was to be expected; Soldier was never visible for more than half an hour at a time. This mentality was beginning to brush off on Sonic and Tails, who seemed to be the only ones used to the ruckus the mercenaries were causing.

"They'll probably start trashing everything up, just like Robotnik," Knuckles had told Sonic.

"They look like they'll hurt you, and I don't want them to hurt you," Cream had told Tails.

"Hmph," was the only commentary they got from Shadow, even after much prodding by the rest of the crew. One couldn't expect much else from him, and so they left it at that.

Amy was nowhere to be found. Not that Sonic cared.

But after a while, everyone began to worry about their psychopathic pal. Surely Soldier would have made it back by now. So they began to construct a plan of their own. They constructed a plan to retrieve Soldier from Robotnik's clutches, or at least find out where he went. It was as simple as it always was. Tails and Engineer would fly out the rest of the team to where Robotnik was always hiding (a ridiculously obvious fortress in the middle of nowhere), then drop the rest of the crew. From there, Sonic, Scout, and Heavy would begin searching the fort, while Tails and Engineer stayed behind and provided what essentially amounted to mission control. Heavy and Scout had their guns, and Sonic had his signature Spin Dash. This plan was foolproof, and they knew it because it was the same plan they had used for years before.


	4. CHAPTER REDACTED

[DATA EXPUNGED]


	5. Tricks of the TraitorTraderTrade?

_Explanation time again. Sorry about that. I had a bunch of reasons to fake-end the fiction at Chapter Four, one of which was being suddenly inundated with academic and social issues that I didn't really handle dealing with very well. I figured I should have let this little story of mine fall to the wayside. But that didn't work out. At all. So, thanks to an innate feeling of immense guilt, an unreasonably fallible sense of priority, and not wanting to let down Unwatered, I've got to finish this, even though I ended it just a week ago. I may or may not get some flak for this in real life._

_ALSO AFTER SCHOOL STARTED I'VE BEEN WORKIN' ON A WEBCOMIC_

_IT'LL KICK ASSES UNLIKE THIS_

* * *

After he was done systematically placing compound fractures in every bone in Soldier's body, Heavy picked up and tossed Soldier into the distance. Soldier wished he hadn't defiled Heavy's story like that. He also wished he hadn't put his _Idiot Box_ on. Now he had been issued what seemed to be a GPS system and sent out to find animals and jewelery, lest he face the wrath of the morbidly obese scientist. He knew what lard-bucket rage was like. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was as ugly as the rocket launcher he had to fashion out of scraps back at Robotnik's base. He had forgotten to ask for weapons. The thing was rickety, inaccurate, and wasn't actually semi-automatic, but this _Beggar's Bazooka_ would have to do for the time being. Soldier began to rocket jump back towards civilization.

* * *

The Tornado was busted. Completely, thoroughly, inexplicably, irreparably trashed. Just out of the blue, it had collapsed on itself. Which meant that the team's plot against the mad scientist was delayed until Engineer and Tails could build another plane. Which meant that Heavy and Scout were free to do whatever they wanted. Which meant they were about to embark on a hat quest.

"Scout, we are about to embark on hat quest," Heavy hollered. "We will find hats and other valuable objects!"

"And valuable hats!" Scout yelled back. They immediately got to work preparing for the greatest hat journey they had ever had the joy of embarking on. Scout packed two shotguns and ammunition. Heavy packed a supply of his sandviches. Scout grabbed his good old baseball cap. Heavy , perplexingly, grew hair, which he promptly combed into his signature _Hound Dog_ style. Upon further inquiry from the rest of the team on how and why he did this, he answered, "I cannot find toupee." With that, the dynamically dysfunctional duo romped off into the distance, for they actually had no grasp on the concept of hat collecting, and simply ran wherever they desired.

* * *

Knuckles the Echidna had stayed away from Sonic's new pals for the time being, because their rabble rousing, rampaging, and general "partying" made Knuckles genuinely frightened for everyone's mental and physical health. Since Sonic and Tails were constantly around these people, Knuckles had simply went home to Angel Island. Unfortunately for him, the party had come to his doorstep. Or, more specifically, the Master Emerald.

"What are you two doing around the Master Emerald?!" Knuckles had found the two Teufortians moments before they tried filching the Emerald. "Do you two even know what that is?!"

"We know what we are doing," the Heavy calmly "explained". "We are trained professionals."

"I thought our profession was killin' dudes," Scout said, "Not fantasy-land heists!" Therein lied the true genius of Scout and Heavy.

"Lay a finger on that thing, and I'll kill you both," growled Knuckles.

"Well, Scout, good thing it is entire hands we are using!" Chortled Heavy, as he hoisted the Emerald, pedestal and all, and clambered off. Knuckles, who had previously never known a man to match his strength, did little but gawk at the Russkie running away with the sole object he existed to protect.

Luckily for our incompetent guardian, Soldier made a ten-point landing... on Heavy's head.

"This **Emerald** is **mine**! Or rather, my **employer's**!" Soldier shouted, lifting HEAVY up, EMERALD, PEDESTAL, and ALL. At this point, Knuckles began to reconsider the state of his mental health. It was all he could do to avoid breaking down in tears as Scout ran off after the fleeing Soldier.

* * *

"C'mon, man, what are you doing?" Scout yelled. He had every reason to yell. He had been the first to know of Soldier's survival, and was the first to know of his betrayal. He was also the first to fall after him from a floating island high up in the sky, but that was a story for another time. "Ain't you supposed to be helping us go home?"

"**Negatory**, little man. This is what will score us the **funds** necessary to go home!"

"No, it wont!"

"And who says that? This **Robot-Nick** man had all sorts of **gadgets**!"

"Everything's fucking free! There's so little economic development it ain't even funny!"

"Oh. Tell you what I'll do, then, Scout. Begin planning a **secret rebellion** against Robot-Nick and his **cold, metal empire**!"

"He doesn't have one!"

"That's what he's telling you! **Always** stay on your toes!"

"And in your case, Soldier, off of the _Kritzkreig_!" Scout didn't want to take this any further. "Where the hell are you even going?"

"Taking a certain hedgehog's **love interest** hostage. It is **guaranteed** to send him into our hands!"

* * *

And lo and behold, they had fallen precisely and unrealistically to the modest home of Amy Rose. As they kicked down the door, they were instead greeted by a familiar figure... a red asbestos suit. The final member of the trio offensive. Soldier dropped Heavy on the floorboards. The Master Emerald landed with a sickening sound of crushed bone.

"What?! Wh-wh-what are **you** doing here?" Soldier shrieked, "I don't remember **you** coming with us!"

"I don't remember you coming with us either," Scout piped in. But that wasn't the point.

Slowly, the firesuited enigma reached for the seal of its mask. It deftly released the holds and lifted the mask off for the first time the other mercenaries had ever seen. The mask dropped to the floor, revealing pink, drooping quills.

"I have a question of my own!" Amy Rose, the Pyro, exclaimed. "How the fuck did you two follow me home?"


End file.
